With all the apologies being offered up by Bill Clinton, first on the Cold War nuclear testing and now on the Tuskegee experiments, was it any surprise that new British Prime Minister Tony Blair would decide to follow his lead? Mr. Blair has now apologized for the British role in the Irish potato famine of 130 years ago?

It wouldn’t have come as a surprise had reporters not been shut out of a closed-door conversation that Messrs. Clinton and Blair shared at No. 10 Downing Street during the recent Clinton visit to Britain.

“You know, Bill,” Tony said as he set out bowls and dishes in the kitchen (his wife, Cherie, was out back tuning up the Bentley), “we British certainly owe you colonists – errr, Americans an apology for our beastly behaviour during your so-called American Revolution.It was unforgivably rude and insensitive of us to have demanded that you see things our way. So, on behalf of the British people, living and dead, I apologize.”

“Well, Tony, that’s okay,” said Bill as he deftly chopped the hearts of palmfor the dinner they were making for the girls. “Actually, we Americans have quite a bit to apologize for as well. As I learned at Oxford, the oppressive white male landowners were completely wrong to have whined so selfishly about the much needed ‘revenue enhancements’ included in the Stamp Act. They should have just paid their fair share. Also, those guys were pretty rough on the loyal Tories in America who were just trying to make government work better. We imprisoned Ben Franklin’s kid for acts of treason and executed Benedict Arnold and Major John Andre just for giving state secrets to the lobsterbacks – errr, I mean your troops. That reminds me! I need to drop a note to the Arnold family and hold a national moment of silence for French-Americans in honor of the wrongs committed against Major Andre.”

“Brilliant, Bill,” Tony gushed. “But stop snacking – you’ll ruin your appetite. Pass me the garlic press, wouldn’t you? While we’re on the subject of owning up to our misdeeds, we should apologize to the American people for inflicting Oscar Wilde and his terrible jokes on them,” opined the prime minister, wiping a paring knife on his “Kiss the New Labor Cook” apron.

“You might be right there, Tony,” said Bill as he washed some free-range plum tomatoes, “but, I always kinda liked that ‘Picture of Dorian Gray’ story.

You know the one, where the fellah did all those rotten, horrible things to other people but he never was held to accounts and never got older – just a old picture upstairs got old and ugly while he stayed young and fashionable in his Donna Karan suits.” Bill’s voice trailed off as he imagined the possibilities.

“Donna Karan?” Tony said. “You do know, don’t you, that those suits are made from the wool of innocent, exploited sheep who shiver horribly after being sheared. You should travel north to Scotland to personally apologize on behalf of all living, non-person-of-color Western males to the sheep for their sacrifice and the damage to their self-esteem that shearing brings. And speaking of portraits, Bill, when you get yours done, make sure to use non-ferrous, cruelty-free paint derived from organic sources that don’t have a central nervous system.”

“Can’t care too much,” Bill said. “You know, I like these apologies. I can feel the breach repairing as we speak. I’ve got another one for you. You never apologized for impressing American seamen into service on British ships while you were fighting the French. And you never apologized for burning down the White House during the War of 1812. True, our government was run by dead white males who oppressed women, persons of color, children and many fuzzy woodland creatures, but that’s not reason to go burnin’ down other people’s houses. You at least need an order from Janet Reno to do that.”

Bill continued, “And if anyone is owed an apology, it’s the American people because where did all those Irish people go after your secret labs created the famine? Right across the drink! And the only thing we got from them was St. Patrick’s Day, which causes drunk drivers and John Kennedy, who is still making me look bad by comparison. Oh, Ronald Reagan too! See, there’s another apology owed. Because of you, Reagan became President and ruined the world!”

“Oh yes?” Blair retorted, slamming a recycled pot on the ozone protection filter of his solar-powered stove. “Well, what about an apology for Andrew Jackson’s attack on New Orleans after the Treaty of Paris? Or taking so long to approve Lend-Lease in 1940? Or taxing John Lennon’s income after his visa expired? Or for that matter, inflicting global eco-terrorist Ronald McDonald on our people. And what about keeping Arthur Treacher after he died. And what about not keeping David Bowie?”

Both men moved closer to each other, arguing loudly, until they heard the screen door to the garage slam. As they both looked up, there were Hillary and Cherie, wiping their greasy hands and looking for dinner.

“Can’t we all just get along?” said Hillary. Cherie nodded. With sheepish grins on their faces, Bill and Tony said, almost in unison, “I apologize.”

Craig Shirley is president of Craig Shirley and Associates, at which Robert Geist is senior account executive.

LOAD-DATE: June 7, 1997

LANGUAGE: ENGLISH

Copyright 1997 The Washington Times LLC All Rights Reserved