The fictitious U.S. Sen. John “Bluto” Blutarsky of “Animal House” fame was a Republican. Not only that, he was a conservative Republican. He was a Reagan Republican.
In 1978, one week after helping Gordon Humphrey upset incumbent liberal Democrat Tom McIntyre for the U.S. Senate in New Hampshire, I took an evening off and went to dinner and a movie with the girl I was dating at the time.
After dinner we went to Concord’s only movie theatre, which I think was built by Franklin Pierce because it was so old and dilapidated.
The movie showing was obviously “Animal House,” loosely based on the writer’s experience at nearby Dartmouth College. We were the only two in the entire theatre for the 8:30 p.m. showing. True, it was a weeknight, but Concord in those days rolled up the sidewalks around 4 p.m. I remember it was snowing, but then again, it was always snowing in New Hampshire. We got our popcorn and soda and sat down.
Of course, I laughed uproariously throughout the showing, much to the embarrassment of my date. She shushed me several times, but I kept pointing out, “Who do I need to be quiet for?” A couple of months later she wisely dumped me, and I think I now know the reason why. I am a Delta House Republican and though she was a Republican, she was attracted to Omega House Democrats. At least at the time.
I’ve seen the movie numerous times in the last 26 years and recently have come to see the animosity between the two fraternities as a metaphor for the Republican and Democratic parties — Delta’s hostile relationship with the administration at Faber College (“Knowledge is Good” is even a rip-off of the collectivist “doublethink” of “Ignorance is Strength” from George Orwell’s classic “1984″) as an analogy between the White Russians or Freedom Fighters and the Soviet Union.
The essence of true Republicanism as expressed by Ronald Reagan is to be positive, individualistic, entrepreneurial, happy, future-oriented and yes, even hedonistic. To be a Delta Republican. What is more entrepreneurial than taking a four-door sedan and turning it into a parody of a liberal float to make fun of the depressing liberals?
The essence of liberal Democratic philosophy, as expressed by, say Omegas like Jimmy Carter or Mike Dukakis or John Kerry is to be dour, make silly floats about JFK with black-and-white hands shaking, to try to run other peoples lives, to try to make other people around them unhappy. To be control freaks. To try to make people apologize for real or imagined insults. To be collectivist, even redistributionist.
And to embrace the suppression of opinions that don’t conform to the existing order. Remember when Dean Vernon Wormer and Omega put Delta House on trial?
Essentially, Delta conservatives are winners and Omega liberals are losers. Conservatives celebrate life while Democrats dread it.
If you don’t believe me, try this little test: George Bush, Delta or Omega? Are you kidding? Bush would have followed Robert Hoover as Delta’s president. OK, Ronald Reagan? Mr. Happy-go-lucky? Delta, hands down. Sean Hannity? Slam Dunk Delta. Alan Colmes? Omega twerp, no doubt about it.
What about Ron Reagan Jr.? A classic Omega Democrat, rejecting the Delta legacy of his father as an embarrassment while seeking out the approval of the elite Omegas; morose because he can’t get out of the shadow of a great man, so he impotently flails away, trying desperate to get attention by going against everything his father stood for.
Lee Atwater, Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, Bill Buckley, the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre, Club for Growth’s Steve Moore? All Deltas.
Al Gore, Mario Cuomo, Dan Rather and Paul Begala? I can see all of them bent over in their “tightie whities” getting blistered by the sickos at Omega, saying “Thank you, sir! May I have another?!”
It works with the chicks too. Who would have Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham dated? They would have eaten Omega guys for lunch. These are definitely Delta girls. As was Barbara Olson. As are Linda Chavez and Laura Bush. All these girls would have gladly gone, and probably for that matter did go to their share of “Toga” parties.
What about Teresa Heinz Kerry? This woman lives to tell the little people how to live their lives. Hillary? Hell, she invented collectivism. She’s the poster girl for “Big Sister.”
Now, here are the more difficult ones: Bill Clinton, Tim Russert and Chris Matthews. They all would have pledged Omega, mostly to make their mothers happy, but by the end of their sophomore year, they would have quit to become “independents” so they could go to our Toga parties too.
When I explained my theory on Delta Republicans and Omega Democrats to my wife, Zorine, the foolish girl who did marry me, she immediate grasped the concept and took it even further. “Delta guys might have made a crude pass once, but after you pushed them away, they were fine to party with. And fun too. But Omega guys, they were scary because you knew they would not take ‘no’ for an answer and you might find yourself walking home or end up even worse if you went for a drive or a date with them. You could be a girl and be just friends with a Delta, but a girl could never be just friends with an Omega.”
Dean Wormer was, of course, Faber’s version of a Soviet premier. Like the Soviets, he held secret meetings when he planned to destroy his enemies. He made up laws as he went along (the opposite of the essence of conservative philosophy, a government of laws and not men). He was driven by hate and the need to control, co-opt or crush people in his way. Like the KGB, he put his enemies on “double secret probation.”
Even the difference is evident in the architecture and decorations of the two fraternities.
The Omega house was really a “Potemkin Village.” Neat, orderly and pretty on the outside, but harboring dark intentions on the inside. While the Delta House was not pretty, it certainly was a bastion of individual freedom as expressed by the difference in the fraternity members’ “tastes” in decoration.
Like freedom, Delta House was messy, but it worked.
Delta House had less government and more freedom. Omega House had more government and less freedom. And one of the few differences between Douglas Neidermeyer and John Kerry is that Neidermeyer was shot in Vietnam by his own troops.
Even years later, I am still a Delta House Republican. I recently went to a friend’s 50th birthday party. It was a “suppressed desire” party, meaning you went as what you really wanted to be but never were. Naturally, I went as a gynecologist, complete with rubber gloves. The conservatives all laughed, especially the women. The liberals all thought I was wearing a pro-life T-shirt and thus scowled at me.
Yes, Sen. Blutarksy was a conservative. And I would have gladly managed his campaign … and had a beer or three with him.
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(Craig Shirley is president and CEO of Shirley & Banister Public Affairs.)
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(United Press International’s “Outside View” commentaries are written by outside contributors who specialize in a variety of issues. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of United Press International. In the interests of creating an open forum, original submissions are invited.)
LOAD-DATE: August 18, 2004
LANGUAGE: ENGLISH
Copyright 2004 U.P.I.
