President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton have accused their political opponents of undertaking a “well-financed, well-coordinated campaign” to “smear them.” Indeed, Clinton has specifically cited a $ 1 million “slush fund” allegedly amassed by the GOP to “get” the Clintons.
As a lifelong political activist I was, of course, appalled. I thought I’d been part of every conservative conspiracy since we sicked that killer rabbit on Jimmy Carter back in ’79.
I immediately called David Keene, chairman of the American Conservative Union and demanded to know, what was this “conspiracy thing?” And where could I sign up? Keene apologized and replied that it was simply an oversight; that, in fact, the “Get Clinton” conspiracy group was meeting that afternoon. “Come over,” he said.
What a pleasure it was to get together with Rush, G. Gordon, Ollie, The “Vig” (AKA Richard Viguerie), Buchanan, Floyd Brown, the staffs of the Washington Times, the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times, the staffs of the RNC, the NRSC, the NRCC, Pat Moynihan, Cliff Jackson, Newt, Al D’Amato, Ralph Reed, the Arkansas State Troopers, the Teamsters and other card-carrying members of the “Get Clinton” conspiracy.
We met in secret at RFK stadium. Keene called the meeting to order noting there was barely a quorum as every woman who Bill Clinton had the troopers approach was not present. Also missing were Bob Novak, who was off clubbing baby seals, and Bob Tyrrell, who was giving assault weapons and cocaine to nine year olds.
“Beginning with old business, let’s review what has been arranged by the Sub Task Forces on Whitewatergate, VinceFostergate, Fornigate, PaulaJonesgate, Travelgate, Hillarygate, HealthCaregate and HillaryRodhamClintonCommoditiesgate, Floyd, please give us your Report,” Keene said.
“Well David, we had great success in arranging for Robert Altman to hold three clandestine meetings in the White House to brief the staff on the RTC investigation into Madison Guarantee and Whitewater. It wasn’t easy, but I was able to persuade Mr. Altman that this course of action was all good for Clinton and that there was no downside in subverting the ‘Feds’ investigation. We then alerted the members of the Senate Banking Committee on these meetings.”
“Nice bait and switch, Floyd.”
“Thanks David.”
The group murmured its approval. “But really, the credit must go to good ol’ Jim McDougal when we met with him years ago and bribed him to bribe the Clintons into all those shady dealings. David, let me say you were wise to organize the ‘Get Clinton’ conspiracy twelve years ago,” concluded Brown.
“Thank you Floyd. Let’s now hear from Richard Viguerie on the membership recruitment drive for our top secret ‘Get Clinton’ conspiracy,” Keene said.
“Thanks Dave. We’ve so far been able to keep this under wraps although Sidney Rodham Blumenthal and some journalists have begun sniffing around. We’ve got to be careful that we don’t end up exposed like the JFK conspiracy and I’ve asked our friends with the FBI, the CIA, the WPA, the NSA, organized crime, the Pentagon, the Military Industrial Complex and the Salvation Army to not let this leak out like they did last time!
“So far, active dues-paying membership in our conspiracy is in the neighborhood of 73 million people, give or take a hundred thousand. But we’ve got to be careful. Clinton the other day said we had a $ 1 million dollar slush fund. As we all know, it’s now in excess of $ 1 billion dollars and stashed in accounts in the Caymen Islands and Switzerland. But it’s important to keep this quiet, David.”
“Thanks Richard.”
“Given our time constraint, I suggest the report on HillaryRodhamClintongate be moved up since we were so successful in getting the New Yorker magazine to get their reporter to get Betsy Wright to say they’re preparing Hillary for a presidential bid. Lets hear from (identity withheld) of the CIA on this.”
“Thanks David. Although the public poll numbers on Hillary have shown steady erosion of support, we all know that her approval rating according to our own surveys is actually 96 percent favorable. But we were able to buy off all the pollsters in America to get them to ‘cook’ bad numbers for Hillary. One of our best moves was to arrange for Hillary to start off 1992 with the ‘baking cookies’ comment. Some of our operatives were able to convince Clinton’s braintrust of Jim Carville and Paul Begala that if Hillary said this, it would appeal to the ‘man-hating-leftist-granola-crunching-strike-oriented caucus.’”
Keene said, “Given the lateness of the day, also put a motion on the table to delay the other reports until the next meeting — is there a second?”
Sen. Bob Kerrey seconded. The group unanimously passed the motion. As the group was breaking up, Recording Secretary Gennifer Flowers announced the time and place of the next board meeting. “It’s on the Mall between the Capitol and the Washington Monument,” she said. “But don’t forget — it’s a secret.”
LOAD-DATE: October 11, 1994
LANGUAGE: ENGLISH
Copyright 1994 Campaigns & Elections Publishing Corporation, LLC
