Serial liberals in the nation’s capital were settling into their worst winter of discontent since the death of Izzy Stone. Barbra Streisand even fired her national political director, her domestic policy adviser and her White House liaison. The streets of the city-state were littered with bewildered and out of work Democrats. It was a joyous season.

After our Get Clinton Conspiracy stole the November elections, it became increasingly clear that President Bill Clinton and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton were becoming more and more suspicious – and, some would say, paranoid.

One tipoff to the bunker mentality that had overcome the White House was Mr. Clinton’s surprise appointment of Oliver Stone as his new chief of staff. Mr. Stone immediately named Richard Viguerie as White House counsel, rationalizing before a compliant White House press corps, “It’s important to watch them while they’re watching us watching them.” The New York Times editorially supported the Stone initiative. But when Mr. Viguerie was spotted escorting Donna Shalala to a PETA fundraiser, We knew his usefulness to the Group was going to be short-lived.

Vichy Republicans, suspecting We had stolen the election and had undermined the Clinton White House in other ways by creating Travelgate, Helicoptergate, Whitewatergate, Commoditiesgate, Healthcaregate and having Martha’s Vineyard declared a nuclear waste disposal site, were philosophically opposed to the GOP having a majority in Congress. They called for a congressional investigation into our Get Clinton Conspiracy.

We quickly wired in funds from the Cayman Islands to pay for a grassroots, radio talk show lobbying campaign aimed at defeating the congressional vote to create a commission. In the end, We prevailed 430 to 5, with Maxine Waters left on the floor telling everybody to “shut up.”

After the vote failed, White House Chief of Staff Stone suggested that the lack of evidence that a conspiracy existed was further proof that 430 House members, their staffs and the maintenance crew at Camden Yards were part of the conspiracy. The New York Times editorially supported Mr. Stone.

Nonetheless, in a rare display of compassion and bipartisanship, Majority Leader Bob Dole and Speaker Newt Gingrich created the Helms-Dornan Commission to investigate our conspiracy. Sen. Jesse Helms and Rep. Robert Dornan retained Floyd Brown and Cliff Jackson to handle the investigation.

We decided to wait for the heat to die down before We would meet again.

Within hours, the Helms-Dornan Commission produced a detailed “Final Report” suggesting that President Clinton was simply being victimized by a “Lone Right Wing Nut” and that there was “no credible evidence” a conspiracy existed. Liberal Sen. Arlen Specter attacked the portion of the report that implied a “single fax” theory.

With this threat now behind us, We pressed ahead with a new top-secret meeting of the Get Clinton Conspiracy on the Mall between the U.S. Capitol and the Washington Monument. Sound trucks and video monitoring units were brought in to accommodate the crowds, as were extra D.C. cops.

Joining us, in addition to the 37,000 charter members of our group, were former White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta, 54 former Democratic congressmen, eight former Democratic senators, several former Democratic governors, David Wilhelm, Jesse Helms, Bob Dornan, Ken Starr, Several North Carolina military base commanders, Jack Neufield, Roger Altman, 735 conservative radio talk show hosts, Webb Hubbell, Floyd Brown, Cliff Jackson and 3.7 million members of the National Rifle Association. As always, We met in secret.

Charter member Sen. Richard Shelby, Republican of Alabama, chaired the meeting. Josh Steiner took notes.

“Before we take up old business, I’d like to read for the group a telegram I received just hours ago. ‘We’ve heard rumors of your group and would like to join. Stop. Like you, we think Bill and Hillary have been a disaster. Stop. Please advise soonest. Signed, Sam Donaldson, Richard Cohen, David Broder, Mikhail Gorbachev, Barbra Streisand and the Maintenance Crew at Camden Yards.’

“

G. Gordon Liddy said, “Senator, I’d like to support the admission of these fine people into our group. We’ve always believed in the ‘Big Tent’ theory of the Get Clinton Conspiracy. I’d like to host a festive soiree for them at my home – you know, brie, white wine, satay of rat.”

“Fine,” said the senator. “That’s an action item for you. By the way, which one of you got Clinton to wear the silly shirt in Indonesia? You know the rules. No unilateral actions without the approval of the Group,” Mr. Shelby said sternly.

Some homeless Democrats began panhandling among our members, but D.C. cops moved in quickly to quell the disturbance, using their nightsticks liberally. A cheer went up from the crowd.

“The next order of business is the yeoman work being done for the Group by our double agent Mary Matalin,” Sen. Shelby said. “Not since Kim Philby has a mole so thoroughly infiltrated a rival organization. Considering what she has had to go through to get this information, Mary has sacrificed herself in a way that is above and beyond the call of duty. She deserves special commendation from the group.” A cheer went up from the crowd, but Mary broke down crying at the thought of returning to her assignment.

Mr. Shelby was wrapping things up. “I know that many of you have to get back to Congress to create more orphanages and take more gifts from lobbyists. So let’s break early. Before we go, though, I want you all to whisper to me, just between us, the first word that pops into your mind when you think of Hillary Clinton.”

The crowd did as instructed. They all seem to have said the same thing, but I couldn’t make it out.

Craig Shirley, a GOP consultant, is a member in good standing of the Get Clinton Conspiracy Group.

LOAD-DATE: January 6, 1995

LANGUAGE: ENGLISH

Copyright 1995 The Washington Times LLC All Rights Reserved