Glorioski! It’s finally happened. On the “Today Show,” Hillary Rodham outed our 24-year-old “vast right wing conspiracy” to get Bill Clinton.

Yes, it’s true, there is such a conspiracy. We meet on the grassy knoll every June to launch plots and roast weenies.

We nervously watched as Hillary detailed our efforts all the way back to 1974 to undermine the Big Guy. Our first effort, during his campaign for a House seat, was a doctored photo of Bill, hanging from a tree, protesting the “Trickster,” a.k.a. Richard Nixon.

But, in truth, the first lady didn’t know much. We breathed a sigh of relief as Hillary was apparently unaware that the photo was the handiwork of charter member G. Gordon Liddy, who took valuable time out from the “Get Kennedy-Muskie-McGovern-Humphrey conspiracy.” The photo was actually one of Arlen Specter, but our labs did a great job superimposing Clinton’s face. I always thought the Big Mac in his hand was a great touch.

While they have long suspected our existence, they could never prove it. This has been a subject we have often discussed at our secret organizational meetings, which have taken place on the Washington Mall, at RFK stadium and in Times Square.

But did they finally have the goods on us this time? Our founders, most of them now in nursing homes, decided to convene an international conference call to determine what Hillary knew and how to keep the true purpose of the Get Clinton Conspiracy Working Group under wraps.

The Military Industrial complex and Big Tobacco offered to pay for the conference call (support we gladly accepted) while Rush, Ollie, G. Gordon, Mrs. James Carville, Gary Nolan, Blanquita, Bob Grant, the I-Man and 700 other radio talk show hosts broadcast it to their member-listeners. Blast faxes went out giving the date, time and 800 number (and the password to hook in with the call, get Clinton). We spammed out the e-mail, Richard Viguerie sent emergency mailgrams, The Washington Times put the event in the “Today’s Headliners” section of the Washington Daybook page, and we posted it on our Website (www.getclinton.organ). Sen. Faircloth also read it into the congressional record during morning business.

We were confident of secrecy, however, as Gary Aldrich arranged for the FBI, the NSA, the CIA and Interpol to provide security. Leno and Letterman both got the message and discussed the meeting in their opening monologues.

Besides Hillary’s expose, other topics on our agenda were the Swiss bank account for Ken Starr, the expulsion of Fred Thompson from the group and other minor housekeeping items.

Our leader, Mr. Big, is a former top CIA official. Rush spoke up. “Mr. Big, before we proceed, I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome our newest members to the Get Clinton Conspiracy. Citizen Panetta, Citizen Stephanopolous and Citizenette Myers have all done yeoperson work. As former members of the ‘Clinton Payroll Patrol,’ those people who only defend Bill because they’re getting a paycheck, getting that coveted White House internship and a ‘blue pass’ for ‘that woman’ was above and beyond the call of duty. Since going undercover, Monica, known to our group as ‘Deep Princess,’ has shown what Clinton means when it comes to a ‘Theatre of Operations.’ “

“By the way, Rush, who came up with her code name?” asked Dave Keene, chairman of the ACU and another charter member of the Get Clinton Conspiracy.

“Our crack planning staff,” Rush said. “We thought of calling her Linda Lovelace, but Carl Bernstein said he didn’t get it.”

At this point, the conference operator broke in and announced the addition to the call of the stockholders and staffs of ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, CNBC, The Washington Times, The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Associated Press, Reuters, AOL, Matt Drudge, Newsweek, Boy’s Life and the Weekly Reader.

“And before we get down to the rest of our agenda, I’ve been assured that Carville won’t be finding out about our meeting today. They’re getting rid of everyone they can’t trust at the White House, so Carville got stuck washing the limo,” Mr. Big said.

One member asked how Monica was doing. Great. She was very pleased with our little gift of appreciation to her – a no limit charge card at Bloomingdale’s.

“Next item on the agenda. As we all know, this whole Get Clinton Conspiracy has always been about money – specifically, fundraising. Yes, we’ve had our fun and games, like the time Segretti got that girl to ask Clinton about his underwear, but we’re staring into a black hole come January 21, 2001 unless we do something,” said Mr. Big.

Trent Lott spoke up with the big news of the day. He said that he and Newt and the boys had about worked out the deal to repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution so Bill Clinton could stay in the White House indefinitely. He would thereby become the conspiracy’s personal annuity. “Excellent,” trilled Mr. Big.

“Wait a minute,” probationary candidate Mike Isikoff chirped, “What about principle? After all, don’t we want him gone?”

There was a long, silent pause. Rush said, “I think we’ll overlook that faux pas by Mike.”

“Mike,” said Mr. Big, “allow me to explain. Mrs. Clinton is now aware of our existence, but she is unaware of our purpose. The Get Clinton Conspiracy Working Group’s objective is not to get rid of Mr. Clinton. Its objective is to make him suffer.

“Suffering,” said Mr. Big, “is good for business. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go wag the dog.”

Craig Shirley, a GOP consultant, has been a member of good standing of the Get Clinton Conspiracy since 1972 when he was 16 years old.

LOAD-DATE: January 30, 1998

LANGUAGE: ENGLISH

Copyright 1998 The Washington Times LLC All Rights Reserved